Seasonal hiring has been extremely frustrating this year. Despite applicants writing charmingly that they know how to ride unicycles, or that they can run a 4:19 mile, the long, drawn-out process, incomprehensible decisions by personnel specialists, and budget problems are getting on my last nerve. So now it's time for something silly.
You should always have a backup plan, as escape route if your job gets too much to handle. J. and I have decided that being pirates would be pretty awesome. No, not the scary drug-running, hostage-taking kind who prowl the seas these days. THIS kind:
There are many advantages to being a pirate. We have come up with these:
1. Hanging out in tropical waters. It would be pretty warm most of the time.
2. You could drink rum at work and not get fired. Not that I like rum, but still. You could.
3. You can say things like ahoy and matey and land ho!, which usually don't come up in normal conversation.
4. If you get injured, you don't have to go work at a desk. You can get eye patches and hooks for hands and it just looks normal.
5. Parrots. Need I say more?
6. It's pretty impossible to fire anyone in our current jobs, but walking the plank would be simple and effective.
7. There's not very much cool stuff to plunder in our fire caches. Who wants to walk off with nomex? But as a pirate, you get really good stuff, like gold coins. Then you can bury it, too.
8. The clothes are pretty great.
9. Pirates don't do paperwork. They don't need to hire anyone either. People come to them (in one way or another).
10. You can give yourself a new name, like Bubonic Annie Straw or Shaniqua the Enforcer. People will be scared.
So now all we need are three bad consecutive days at work and a ship and we are all set! Come aboard, matey!