In a week the seasonal employees will start work. Already? Can it be that time again?
I'm not sure how it works in the corporate world when you hire temporary help. But when I choose a seasonal worker, I'm not even close to being done. This is how to do what is called "onboarding an employee":
1. Spend months assuring the prospective minion that yes, she or he actually has a job, even though no paperwork has appeared. Realize that the paperwork was indeed emailed to them, but went to their spam folder, where it languished and was eventually deleted. Persuade a harried case manager via email to send it again and copy it to me. Minion gets it and is instructed to complete a form and fax it in. Some do and some don't. Sometimes it gets lost. Receive threatening emails from HR saying the person won't be hired on time if they don't complete the form. Forward said threatening emails to the prospective employee. Effectively scare them.
2. Hound minions to see if they have received a SECOND email with the OFFICIAL paperwork (the first one was TENTATIVE). Realize that it has once again gone to spam. Get it re-issued. Ensure the minions complete a boatload of forms. Feel relieved that they all are present and accounted for, aren't travelling in Tibet, and all have internet access.
3. Scan minions when they show up. See no obvious crutches or casts on extremities. Present them with citizenship forms they must immediately fill out and send in, or else they can't be at work. In the off chance they changed citizenship even though they have worked there for the last six seasons, they all must fill the forms out.
4. Ensure that each employee gets fingerprints taken and fills out an exhaustive background check for Homeland Security, detailing every place they have lived and worked for the last several years. Receive several forms from Homeland Security asking me to verify this information.
5. Initiate agency-generated performance evaluations for each employee. Attempt to relate the bureaucratic language to their actual jobs. Mission results? Apply civil rights policies? Seriously, just show up on time, work, and get along with everybody. It's simple.
6. Go over operating procedures, plans, policies, forms, etc etc etc. Feel your own eyes glazing over. Administer "driving tests". Hope nobody hits anything.
7. Issue gear. Realize you don't have the right size pants. Order said $200 pants. Look in vain for stuff that went missing over the winter. Order said gear. Find the original gear months later in a weird place.
8. Attempt to activate everyone's computer account. For fun, try and figure out who will be the problem and won't be able to get on the computer all summer. Spend hours on the phone with the help desk.
9. Administer the "work competency test", a physical fitness test everyone must pass in order to be employed. Appropriately, it is usually raining and cold.
10. Look at their training records. Some will inevitably be missing. Send the nicest person to talk to the dispatchers, in hopes of getting their records updated.
11. Hustle minions from one training class to another. Eventually recognize the "Powerpoint Stare" and force them outside for a run. Forget to tell them about possible bears and sketchy people on the trails. It's also really easy to get lost. Oh well, survival of the fittest.
So, welcome, minions! We're happy you're here. But I'm exhausted already!