Friday, August 2, 2013

Undateable guys: the firefighter version

So, I spent most of July on fire assignments away from home.  Now it's raining and I'm eating Reese's and watching Randy to the Rescue doing home improvement projects, and it's time to get back to blogging.  Since I spend so much time around men on the job, I figured it was time to make fun of, I mean talk about them.

There's been lists of Undateable Guys around for years; examples include Cell Phone on Belt Guy and Sports Jersey Guy, but since I mostly interact with firefighters, here is my list of Undateable Fire Guys.  (Oh and guys, don't be offended, this is just for fun.  I'm fully aware that there are just as many Undateable Fire Women, including Makeup in Fire Camp Woman, Helpless Line Princess, and Overcompensating Beeyotch).

1.  Sexist Guy.  Hard to believe, because there have been women wildland firefighters for decades, but this species is still out there.  You will recognize him by the way he steps in front of females at the morning briefing, crowding them out so they can't see the map.  When you approach him with your male trainee, he ignores you and directs all remarks to the man, except to ask if YOU are the trainee.  It's not the Jurassic era anymore, so these dinosaurs need to go away.

2.  Way Too Into It Guy.  This specimen probably started fighting fire about two years ago, but you'd never know it by the way he talks.  He knows everything, just ask him.  He wears his yellow fire shirt all the time, even at camp miles away from the fire.  He probably also has a big belt buckle that says "Wildland Firefighter", and associated bumper stickers.  Any sort of smoke has him sniffing the air like a congested Smokey Bear.  He loudly criticizes fireline decisions that he is years away from being qualified to make.  This guy never really changes.  Somehow he will end up being your boss someday.

3.  Gross Hygiene Guy.  Yes, we get it, you're on a fire, and you can't take showers all the time.  But please, wash your fire shirt at least once a season, if it needs it or not.  It's supposed to be yellow, not black.  And for the love of all that's holy, change your socks once in awhile.  Trench foot is not attractive.  GHs often tend to chew tobacco; they leave half-filled spit bottles everywhere.  If he's this disgusting on the fire, he probably is just as bad at home.  Stay away!

4.  Fireline Creeper.  You know this guy: he's a Close Talker and is constantly in your bubble.  He probably has a girlfriend, but he is always looking.  He doesn't seem to get that he is at fire camp, not on  These guys think they are all that and a bag of Oreos.  No need to let them down gently; they'll just think there's something wrong with YOU, instead.

5.  Whiny New Guy.  This guy really wants to go on a fire! He really, really does!  But once he gets there, apparently it's not as great as he thought it would be.  He complains about everything, causing morale within the crew to plummet.  Once he gets home, he is apparently exhausted, because he needs a lot of days off to recover. Then he really, really wants to go back out...

So, ladies, there you have it, the top five.  Avoid at all costs!  And please, guys, take the cell phone off your belt. Thanks....


  1. Yikes...hope one sample of each of these undateables are not on the same fire!

  2. You forgot one type. The "spank her for her sass type".


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